other changes

So far, we've only talked about Marie's medical issues. The entire dynamics of the family changed. I now found myself in the role of decision maker. We had always talked things through together, but now I was on my own. Marie wasn't working, she was on disability and my job had changed so that I could be home every night. No more traveling. I didn't like my new job. I felt it was beneath me. That was my problem though, the family came first.

For our children, things were back to normal. We had one in college, and one in high school. They saw it as, mom is home and getting better. The tumors were gone. For me it became a daily regimen of shopping, cleaning, errands, and doctor appointments. Gone was thinking about birthdays, holidays, vacations, and family visits. Oh sure, I tried to do all those things, but Marie's cognizant issues kept her from any real enjoyment. For her it was, whatever we did on a particular day was okay with her. No emotion about it. It was just another day. It didn't take long for our calendar to become a blank space. The only designation was the next MRI. All the blanks spaces in between was just the time waiting for that day. It was like being at the doctors office, sitting in the waiting room, until it's your turn. We were just waiting at home instead. We weren't living, just waiting.

The tumor was winning and it wasn't even there. It had been removed. Three times. That was enough to convince me that the tumor had a life of it's own. Benign tumors can be dangerous too. They can kill your life style. They can change your cognizant ability, your family dynamics, where you work, or even if you can. You could end up looking at a blank calendar. It can happen quickly. You don't notice the changes until they've happened. And then, there you are, with an empty life. We needed to make a change.