2007-a strange year

During the first follow-up MRI of the year, the radiation oncologist, discovered a recurrence. Only this time it was bad. There were two tumors, not one. This doctor seemed besides himself. This tumor just doesn't do this. At first he felt, he could treat these tumors with radiation. Then on second thought, he wanted to show the surgeon. He would get back to us soon.

Time went by with no word from anyone. We called into the doctors office, but received no return call. The receptionist assured us that the doctor would get back to us, when he had information to share. You have to remember, this is a slow growing tumor. There wasn't immediate danger. But I worried about side effects, like siezures. Waiting is the hardest thing to do. We prepared a list of questions to ask the doctor. But really there was just one basic question. Why multiple tumors, and why now?

This made tumors number six and seven. We were counting the tumors now. Numbering them like stars. I joked about tumor # 2642. It wasn't funny though.  

the first mention of M D Anderson

If the tumor came back, remove it and life goes on. The problem was, each treatment, affected Marie. Her memory and cognizant reasoning would continue to deteriorate. But this was my opinion only. The medicals didn't share that thinking. When I would say her memory was getting worse, they would tell me that shouldn't be happening. That's not exactly the right part of the brain to cause that side effect. What about the stone in the pond theory, for radiation? How do we know the radiation didn't ripple into that area of the brain, and cause damage. Was the cure, in some ways, worse than the disease? Even if it was, what options did we have. There is not much information on the type of tumor, and I doubt there is much, if any, research on it. One of our medicals told me that he checked with a brain tumor center in New York, and they felt we were doing everything that we should. I do believe that he checked. I know he cared, and wanted to make Marie better. There just wasn't much for him to go on. He suggested that if the tumor comes back again, we should consider going to the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.

In my opinion M.D. Anderson is one of the worlds most renown cancer centers. But for Marie? She just had a benign tumor anyway. I felt that this was a major change in thinking. Even talking about a place of that caliber. I hoped it didn't come back. If it did, that meant this tumor was a REAL problem. 

the eyes

Before both the tumors were diagnosed in 2005 and 2006, I noticed Maries eyes changed. I don't mean the color. I mean the life in them. The left eye would droop. And the black in each eye would become smaller. It was a blank look. They did not have the intensity of thought. The inquisitiveness and the knowledge of human life. Rather, a lifeless stare of existing, but not understanding. I could see the disease in her eyes. This phenomenon was there for the first tumor, but I didn't recognize it then.

Back in 2000 Marie began to drift off. We would eat dinner, and she would get up from the table, walk into the living room, and sit down. I would get upset with her, and ask her who she thought was going to clean up? Marie wouldn't respond.  I believed we were having an argument, but she was oblivious to the conversation. She was going off to "her world", but I didn't know it at the time.

The job she had in early 2000 was a supervisory position. One day Marie came home and told me that she was in trouble at work. She had been called onto the big bosses office and told that she needed to change her behavior. She was given a deadline to write a report on what things she was going to do differently. That deadline came and went. No report was written, and she was given a new, and final deadline, to adhere to. I questioned her over and over as to what had she done wrong. Again and again she told me that she had no idea what the bosses were talking about. Each day she would go into work, and they would ask her if she completed the task. It was always the same. Marie didn't know what they wanted. A report about what. It's not like she was proclaiming her innocence. She wasn't aware of the conversation.

Marie ended up emailing her boss, from home, that she wouldn't be returning to work. It's not, just, that she didn't know what they wanted, she didn't understand the words they were speaking. It was during this time that I first noticed the eyes. Also at this time Marie was having, what she described to me, as feinting spells in the shower. Or how she vomited. She would say that she must have eaten something bad. I believe now that she was having seizures. You would think that all these signs were obvious, but the weren't. These things were all explainable. Especially if you don't want to see a problem. Life was good at that time. People have their ups and downs. It certainly wasn't a ... brain tumor. Today I look at the eyes. I am constantly looking at the eyes.   

discouraged

By the end of 2006 Marie had been through a major brain surgery and four stereo-tactic radiation treatments. That's five brain tumors in six years. The medicals continued to talk about the probability that it would not come back. On one hand they talked about this type of tumor being very rare. There is not much information to go on. But they also talked about how it was even rarer to recur. How could they talk about the probability of what it would do, if there was very little information about it.

From what I have read, it is a rare tumor. And being that it is listed as a benign tumor, I don't believe there is much, if any, research being done. I remember the first tumor, when the doctor said , that if she was going to get a brain tumor, then this is a good one. It didn't feel like a good one. Five tumors, with maybe no end in sight. Cognizant issues, personality changes, and disability. Our lives had changes forever. The changes weren't done yet. They were to continue.   

radiation...radiation...radiation

When can you have too much of a good thing? Sometimes you can't tell. 2005 ended after the third stereo-tactic radiation treatment. Pinpoint cobalt radiation that kills cells. We moved on into 2006 with optimism and reservations. It was like being bi-polar. Everything was going to be okay...UNTIL THE NEXT THING HAPPENED!

It didn't take to long. It came back. Big surprise, right. The neuro-radiologist thought we should watch the tumor to see what it would do. We couldn't wait for it to get too big, but it's  slow growing tumor, so we had some time. We should wait for another three months. Besides it's just a benign tumor anyway.

The doctor discussed with us, again, that a person could have so much radiation and any more could lead to other problems We didn't understand what kind of problems, at least not then. I asked again about whole brain radiation, to kill microscopic cells. And I asked about the possibility of chemotherapy. Both requests were shot down, firmly, but with respect. Whole brain radiation would be overkill. There is no evidence that this tumor would return again. And chemotherapy was out of the question. It just wouldn't work on this type of tumor.

Again, this was a grade II central neurocytoma. Stereo-tatic radiation was our only choice of treatment. The previous treatments seemed to work, so we moved forward again. I was getting less confident with the medical community. Not that they couldn't get rid of the tumor, but there was absolutely no discussion about all the recurrences. The medicals treated each tumor, one at a time, as they occurred, but nothing about why they were coming back, again and again. After the treatment, we were sent packing, to recover.

Or to grow more.....?

   

today 2/23/10

I'm still waiting to hear, what Maries' doctors, want to try, since the the chemo she was doing, didn't work.

.recap

As a quick recap, it was 2005 and Marie already had a major brain surgery, both in patient and out patient rehab therapy. That was followed by three different radiation treatment for new brain tumors. Seemingly permanent cognizant issues. This had to be the end, right? I didn't feel that way. There was something to all the tumors. Why should it keep coming back. The doctors always say it may never come back. I always say it may come back. I want them to attack the unseen cells. But they never do. They only treat what they see. I don't believe that's what's done with a malignant tumor.

2005 radiation

The radiation in 2005 was similar to the previous two, because it was still cobalt radiation. But it was a different machine. The newest, latest, and greatest. At least that's what the medicals said. Instead of a macaroni strainer type helmet, this machine required a mask that was form fitted to Maries' face. Once over her face, the mask would be secured to the table, so she couldn't move. The mask appointment was separate from the radiation treatment, and needed to be done in advance. It looked like a white plastic mesh, that covered Maries' forehead to her mouth. It actually looks just like her. A sculptor couldn't have done any better.

We had traveled a long road already in brain tumor treatment. Surgery, that removed part of the skull to expose the brain. Radiation machines that fire cobalt beams, into the head, to kill cells. Good ones and bad ones. The farther down this road we traveled, the more monstrous it became. We were getting immune to it though. Pictures of brains and tumor. Going in and out of hospital and rehab centers, I think people can get used to just about anything.

The radiation treatment went without a problem. It was done as an out patient. No night in the hospital. Just go home and talk it easy for a day , then wait for the next MRI. This radiation stuff seemed good to us. In... zap... go home. Almost no side effects. This was Maries, third time. We were experts. What we didn't get was, there is apparently a cumulative effect from radiation. It was treating her tumor, yes, but what else was it doing. If the tumors don't come back, then okay. But if they do, then what? How mach radiation can a person take. I don't know. I've never heard any thing definite about any brain tumor treatment. I thought of it like filling up a glass. When it overflows, you stop pouring. But do people have different size glasses? Can some hold more than others? It would be interesting to ask a medical professional their thoughts.

today 2/20/10

I talked with Maries' doctor last night. He heard back from the MD Anderson Center. He will be reviewing their ideas and get back to me early in the week. So as long as we have to wait I'll continue the story.

results 02/17/10

Well here are the results of the latest MRI. Part of the effected area has no change, which is good. Even though the tumor is still there, it's not growing. The problem is it's spreading in the brain. So overall, the chemotherapy is not working. The decision was made today to stop the current chemo treatment as of right now. Why risk side effects for no chance of a cure. Radiation seems to be ruled out and additional surgery was ruled out last year. The best hope at this point is still chemotherapy. The doctor said he had some ideas for a newer, more aggressive type of chemotherapy. His plan is to discuss it with the other doctors in his office, as well as Maries doctor at M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston.

It's really a positive that doctor in different cities are willing to work together to help a patient in need. We should hear something by Friday.

today 02/16/10

Today was the next MRI. I have a copy of the pictures. Tomorrow we see the doctor. We'll see what he says.

2005

More radiation, but there was no rush. The tumor was still small, so there were really no side effects. We went to see the radiation oncologist. He was a personable man with a good bedside manor. The machine we have here in town, was just a newer version of cobalt radiation. Instead of the cobalt intersecting at the tumor. the beams would encircle the tumor. This would allow a more accurate pinpointing of the tumor, and a lesser risk of damaging good tissue. The doctor explained to me his stone in the pond theory. If you throw a stone in a pond, the stone would create a lot of damage where it hit. But there would still be a small wake, that could create some damage, as it moved away from the point of impact. So there was some risk to radiation. Other than the side effects that Marie had from her first radiation, she was handling the treatment very well. She was a model patient. And I was certain that this treatment work.

I was asking more questions, though. It appeared to me that, the medicals were treating each tumor, one by one, as they showed up on the MRI. Obviously, they hadn't gotten the entire tumor. I wanted to know what could be done so any microscopic cells, that we couldn't see, could be killed before they became tumors.

You would have thought I was speaking a foreign language. The medicals knew this was rare to have all these recurrences, but, they said, she may never have another tumor. There would be no reason to subject Marie to whole brain radiation. I asked about chemotherapy. No, they said, chemotherapy is not a normal treatment for a benign tumor. It wouldn't affect the tumor because of the blood-brain barrier. For now we would proceed with the radiation treatment.

end of 2004

We had a pretty good time in 2004. Even with the cognizant deficits we managed to live, and enjoy ourselves. AT the end of the year it was time for an MRI. The surgeon, who performed the first procedure, was the doctor that kept checking the MRIs. At this time, it had been two and a half years since a tumor. They expected this MRI to be clean as well. The plan was, if this MRI is clear, they would move the next MRI out for 3-5 years.

If this MRI is clear. Why wouldn't it be. Why shouldn't it be.

It wasn't clean. The tumor was back. It was small, but it was back. December 2004. Merry Christmas. I was stunned. Marie wanted it out. The surgeon thought we should pursue radiation again. As long as it was small, it could probably be handled by radiation. How could this come back. This was the fourth tumor. The good thing was that we could now have this procedure done in town. We finally had a stereo tactic radiation machine. This was after all, the 21th century.

more about today 2/13/10

My mother in law called today, and became very emotional after talking to Marie on the phone. She sensed a big difference from the last time they spoke. That was about a week or so ago. She felt Marie was a shell of what she was. Barely answering questions, and appearing confused. Her mom was starting to feel that Marie was acting like she did in September 2009. I know that we haven't talked about any of that yet.

We will.

Later.

today 2/13/10

An update to what's going on this week. After Maries' confusion and vomiting on Monday night, she seemed better on Tuesday. On Wednesday the confusion came back. Marie also developed blisters on her lips. So I called the doctors office. It was late in the afternoon. I explained to the nurse what was going on, and she told me that there were no doctors available, but they would get back to me by the next day. She was very reassuring and was glad that I called. Later that evening Marie began vomiting again.

What I was concerned about, was the fact that this was an off week for chemotherapy. I wasn't expecting Marie to get "sick". I was worried that an infection might be setting in. With her resistance down, because of all the chemotherapy, an infection could be dangerous. I was glad the doctors were going to call beck by the next day.

The next morning, my cell phone rang. It was a nurse. But it was a different nurse form the day before. She asked me how Marie was doing. And then asked if I had called our family physician. I thought that was a strange question. I told her that I was at work, and our daughter was home watching her mother that day. When I left for work, Marie was still asleep, so I didn't know how she was feeling yet. The nurse seemed agitated, and told me to call back when I knew how Marie was doing.

I called home to get the update. I found out that she was doing okay and was feeling alright. The blisters, which had disappeared later on some day they appeared, had not come back. I called back the doctors office and got the nurse on the phone. I asked her, if she was the same nurse, I spoke to the day before. And she said no, that was a different nurse. I told her I knew it must have been a different nurse, but she never responded to my statement. I proceeded to tell her about Marie, and then I asked her, why, she wanted to know, if I called our family physician. So she said, let me look at the notes. Well, she said, looking at this, you should have called us.

That's right, she looked at the notes after I questioned her.

I believe she must have figured out where I was going with this, and she quickly changed her attitude. She became kind and understanding. She took the time to explain that they wanted Marie to take the next round of chemotherapy. It was to start the next day. It is important to get that round in, if we can. An MRI is scheduled for next week, and if we can keep Marie on her current schedule, we should be able to tell if the chemo is working. The nurse went on to explain what signs I should watch for, and what reasons I should call back.

Today is Saturday, and Marie is taking her last round of chemo, before the next MRI. She seems to be doing okay.

a good year..... a bad year

Here we were, having a good time, and getting farther away from brain tumors. We were having fun. Traveling, enjoying life. Even cognizant deficits didn't matter. Marie started to get pressure from her family. They would tell her things like, my friend so and so, knows someone who had a brain tumor, and their fine now, so why would you be having any problems.

What I believed I knew was, that there are many types of brain tumors. Some of which grow quickly, and some grow slowly. Sometimes there are variants of the same tumor. Sometimes it is a primary brain tumor, which starts in the brain. And sometimes, it is a cancer from another part of the body, that spreads to the brain. People react differently to their tumors. Many times it depends on the location in the brain. Different areas of the brain control different skills. It all seemed to make sense to me, but not to my wifes family. They just couldn't understand what was wrong with her.

Marie would talk to them on the phone, and she sounded so good to them. What they didn't seem to get was that she had learned how to pick up cues on the phone and answer question that would fool people. If you asked her, "are you cooking today?", she would answer, yes I'm cooking today. That was always a favorite question, because one of Maries cognizant deficits was, she no longer could remember the steps of cooking. Planning a meal, organizing the ingredients, or following a recipe. So if she said, yes I'm cooking today, then everything must be all better.

I would try to explain that Maries answers were not true. Her brain learned how to compensate for a deficit. She answered the way, she believed, she was supposed to. She wasn't really having a conversation with her family, she was just responding to their questions. It wasn't lying, she was just responding. I believed if they would have worded their question differently, she would have answered differently. If they would have asked, "you're not cooking today are you?" I believe she would have answered, "no I'm not cooking today."

They didn't get it and I couldn't convince them. We weren't arguing, but there was frustration.

2004

At the beginning of 2004, it had been a year and a half since the last brain tumor. The funny thing about her brain tumors, was the sense of security that we fell into.

The father away, from the tumor, we got, the more we felt like survivors. She beat the disease. But the cognizant issues had not gone away. We accepted that, as the price she paid to live. The next MRI was scheduled in December of 2004. That would be a full year between MRIs. We choose to really enjoy that year. There was no sign of tumors, so why not.

More traveling was in order. The first trip we took was February. Off we went, to Las Vegas. We spent five days there and had a great time. In June we traveled to Florida, to visit family, and Disney World.

But the farther we got away from the last tumor, the closer we were getting to a chance of recurrence. How could that be? The medicals said three neurocytomas were rare. It couldn't happen again. Not four tumors! Anyway who cared now. The next MRI was months, and trips, and holidays away. That was a lifetime from now.

the results

.....no tumor.

After two long years, it's finally gone. The devastation it left in it's wake was undeniable. But we were going to be positive and live the life we had. Play the hand that was dealt. The MRI's needed to continue, but they were now set at 6 month intervals instead of three. This was all great. It gave us time to think about living instead of disease. Besides, the disease was gone. The medicals were right. How could I have questioned them anyway. They knew what they were doing.

I spent the next six months concentrating on my new job. I wanted to be successful and continue with my career. Marie was off all medication, even anti seizure drugs. She was no longer a brain tumor patient. She was a brain tumor survivor. Cognizant problems, memory issues, even some weakness on one side, could be overcome. You learn to compensate, for what you struggle with. We changed our life style to compensate for shortcomings.

We also decided, that we needed a change of scenery. A vacation was in order. A road trip would be perfect. And since we lived in the mid-west, we thought a drive through National Parks would be perfect. Yellowstone.

But first, the MRI.

Every time we got close to the MRI, the nerves would set in. What if another tumor? We tried to put that out of our minds. We concentrated on the trip. AAA for maps. The internet to search out hotels. The mechanic to check out the car. All was ready, but first that stupid MRI.

The results came in, and again, no tumor. Life was great. Move over road hogs, we're coming through.

time to change

As long as Marie seems fine, we'll continue with the story.

We needed a change and I was going to push it. We had a multi level home with four bedrooms. We didn't need that kind of space and Marie couldn't take care of the daily chores. We sold the house and moved into a first floor apartment. With no pressure on me to take care of the house, it allowed me more time to spend with Marie. And for Marie, things were just easier with no stairs to worry about navigating.

I also changed jobs. I got into a great company, and I felt I had a future. Things were looking up. We made it all the way to the end of 2002. It had been two years since the nightmare began. We lived from MRI to MRI, every three months. Marie had three brain tumors in that short time period, and our lives completely changed.

But, it was time for an MRI. The last one of the year. I was nervous. We needed changes in our lives and we made them. We had a positive outlook, even with all the cognizant and memory issues. We were doing our part. We deserved a break.

But brain tumors have a life of their own. They have no regard to your feelings. They don't care who you are. They don't care if you're a good person or not. It's a defect in the gene. If the medicals got all the tumor out, then maybe, it wouldn't grow back. If they left, even one cell, then it could grow back. You spend a lot of time talking to yourself, saying it's not fair, she never hurt anybody. She didn't deserve this. The answer, of course is, no one deserved it.

It didn't matter. It was Maries' turn for an MRI.

The results came in.....

today 2/09

More worries from last night. Marie had a tough time with nausea and vomiting. The odd part is this is an off week for the chemotherapy. We ate the same things, and she appeared fine. No flu or sickness of any kind. I wonder if it had to do with the chemotherapy, even if she hasn't taken any since last Thursday.

To day she seems perfectly fine. I don't think she even remembers being sick.

back to today 02/08

We had some confusion this morning. Ar 6:20am Marie woke up and insisted that she needed to take me to work, so she could have the car. I tried to explain to her that she wouldn't be taking me to work, but there was no talking to her. She needed the car so she could go downtown and meet her cousin Michelle. That, of course, wasn't possible, because Michelle lives over 1000 miles away. Marie told me that Michelle called her and arranged the meeting, so she just had to go. It took a while, but Marie finally accepted that she wasn't going the meet Michelle. So she sat down on the couch and went back to sleep. Tonight, when I arrived at home, there was no talk about this mornings episode. I don't think she even remembered it.

other changes

So far, we've only talked about Marie's medical issues. The entire dynamics of the family changed. I now found myself in the role of decision maker. We had always talked things through together, but now I was on my own. Marie wasn't working, she was on disability and my job had changed so that I could be home every night. No more traveling. I didn't like my new job. I felt it was beneath me. That was my problem though, the family came first.

For our children, things were back to normal. We had one in college, and one in high school. They saw it as, mom is home and getting better. The tumors were gone. For me it became a daily regimen of shopping, cleaning, errands, and doctor appointments. Gone was thinking about birthdays, holidays, vacations, and family visits. Oh sure, I tried to do all those things, but Marie's cognizant issues kept her from any real enjoyment. For her it was, whatever we did on a particular day was okay with her. No emotion about it. It was just another day. It didn't take long for our calendar to become a blank space. The only designation was the next MRI. All the blanks spaces in between was just the time waiting for that day. It was like being at the doctors office, sitting in the waiting room, until it's your turn. We were just waiting at home instead. We weren't living, just waiting.

The tumor was winning and it wasn't even there. It had been removed. Three times. That was enough to convince me that the tumor had a life of it's own. Benign tumors can be dangerous too. They can kill your life style. They can change your cognizant ability, your family dynamics, where you work, or even if you can. You could end up looking at a blank calendar. It can happen quickly. You don't notice the changes until they've happened. And then, there you are, with an empty life. We needed to make a change.

next tumor

The next MRI was three months later. the tumor was gone. Marie's eyes had cleared up, and she was good to go. Well as good as can be. She still had the memory loss from the surgery. She still had the cognizant deficits. But other than that.....she was good to go. The doctor told us that this type of tumor did not recur very often. But he did caution us, that side effects from the radiation could take up to a year to have an effect. Of course, we just wanted to think about... she was good to go.

Three more months passed. I began to notice a tired look on her face and a drooping left eye. Marie was scheduled for an MRI anyway so I didn't need to call the doctor. Guess what? The tumor was back. When I asked about the tired look and the drooped eye, the doctor didn't think those would be signs of the tumor recurrence. I didn't agree. I thought I had noticed a sign of her tumor.

Since this is a slow growing tumor, it was small, after only six months. Time for another Gamma-Knife treatment. So back to Lincoln. More medicals having team meetings to plan the approach. Not as many intervals were needed this time. But Marie hated having the macaroni strainer thing screwed into her head. Don't worry this was going to be the last time. This tumor just doesn't act like this. It's just a benign tumor anyway.

I just hated when people said that, this tumor is benign, so no big deal. This was the third procedure to handle three brain tumors, in a year and a half. She had many deficits. And no idea if life would ever get back to normal. But don't worry, its just a benign tumor. No big deal.

What the medicals didn't say was that, the first radiation treatment was just six months ago. The full effect of possible side effects was still ahead of us. Now another radiation treatment being given during that time period. Would that increase the chances of side effects? Since this was pinpoint radiation, the chance of side effects was supposed to be low. At least that's what I seemed to have thought. I just don't know if someone told me that, or if it's what I talked myself into. But it didn't matter, it was just a benign tumor anyway. No big deal.

the doctors answer

When I got the doctor on the phone, I was besides myself. My wife's eyes were blood red and she was in a lot of pain. His answer made me crazy.

The answer- oh yeah that could happen!

I don't remember that in any way as a possible side effect. If it was possible why didn't he tell me.

He wanted me not to worry and said it should clear up in a couple of days. He was right, it did. But why did we have to go through the worry and aggravation? He knew exactly how and when it would clear up. My guess it is more common than he let on.

amityville horror

After a nights stay in the hospital, Marie was released. She went through the radiation well. She did have numbness in her head, but that's all. This type of radiation treatment is not very invasive. Only one night in the hospital for observation, and then home. This was so much better that surgery. And no rehab.

We drove home talking about how great this treatment was, with the total belief that it would work. They talked about possible side effects. How the radiation could kill good brain cells along with the bad ones. It came across as if side effects would be a rare thing.

Of course, a brain tumor is a rare thing. The type Marie had was very rare, and a recurrence is even more rare. So why couldn't she have side effects? We just didn't think about that. We looked at it as, what choice did we have? We couldn't let the tumor keep growing. And surgery was still too fresh to want to relive that nightmare. This was a cake walk. A walk in the park.

The next morning, when we woke up, Marie's eyes were swollen. I mean. so bloated that they were shut closed. And as hard as she tried, she could hardly open them, even enough to have any kind of sight at all. After a few hours of hard work, Marie was able to open her eyes just wide enough for me to see the whites of her eyes. But they wasn't any white. They were red. Blood red. No white at all. It was as if every blood vessel, she has in her eyes, ruptured. Her vision was blurred, and her eyes were in pain. She looked like she was in the Amityville Horror.

Where was that doctors phone number?

follow ups

To monitor a brain tumor patient, our surgeon does MRI's on a regular basis. If I remember right, he did one in March 2001 which was clear. By clear, I mean so sign of tumor. It did show extreme devastation. You can clearly see the area where the tumor was. It left a large hole in the brain. The tumor was the size of a fist. Now it was gone, leaving the void.

The next Mri was in September 2001. Not so lucky. It was growing back and needed to be addressed. Surgery wasn't deemed necessary. Stereotatic radio-surgery would be the answer. It goes by many names, but basically it's pinpoint cobalt radiation. A large stainless type bowl, resembling a macaroni strainer, was secured to Marie's head. Then that apparatus was locked down to a table that rolls into the radiation machine. Some of the holes in this strainer object were left opened, and some remained closed. When the cobalt was turned on, the radiation flowed through the open holes, in a linear fashion. The lines of radiation intersected at the tumor, with the hope of damaging the lesion. The radiation was left on for a small amount of time and then stopped. Marie was rotated, so that the radiation could be given again, coming from a different angle.

If I remember correctly, the procedure was done in thirteen intervals. Before it started, they did an MRI . A team met, and plan out the entire scenario. How many intervals, what angles, the amount of exposure time. This was all very precise. Very scientific. At the time, there were not that many of these machines around. This was a Gamma-Knife machine, and we had to dive to Lincoln Nebraska for treatment. After the radiation, Marie was kept in the hospital overnight for observation.

This was even more "Mad Scientist" to me than the surgery on Halloween day. Weird looking machinery, literally screwed into your head. Being zapped with radiation. An unforeseen force, killing cells in your brain. And that's the good stuff.

But would it work?

after rehab-now what

What do you do with yourself when you can't work. When other people need to clean your home and take care of your children. What if you can't balance a checkbook and you even struggle with the concept of money. What if others have to schedule your appointments and answer your mail. What if you have trouble even having a clear thought. And the doctors tell you to go home, your all better now.

My experience with some of the therapy was that it helps you find a way to overcome your deficits.

If you can't plan a meal, use a recipe.

What if you can't remember to use a recipe? You make a calendar. On that calendar it would say " at 4:00 pm use this recipe."

What if you can't remember to look at the calender? You set an alarm clock to ring at 3:45 pm, which will remind you to look at the calender.

What if you can't remember why the alarm is ringing? You put a note on the clock that says "when the alarm rings, you should look at the calender."

What if you read the note and you say to yourself, "what calendar?"

How come you don't get a refund when the medical treatments don't work? They provide their services, then they submit their claims to your insurance company. They, in turn, pay their portion of the bill, and you're expected to pay the balance. You know, out of pocket expenses, deductibles, copay's, uncovered services, etc, etc, etc.

What if the medicals had to sign a waiver that said, if the treatment doesn't work, they don't get paid. The medicals make no promises or guarantees. In this case, they told us, surgery, 4 or 5 days in the hospital, and then home for recovery. They explained this as, what you might expect to happen. And that is what I expected, because the medicals said so. But what happened is surgery, weeks in the intensive care, and months of rehab, with Marie being left with many deficits and no job.